It's no secret, I've ghosted you all in true Sagittarius fashion. Just kidding -- I've been here the whole time, but had to take a pretty significant step back from my creator lifestyle. These last few months have been exceptionally challenging for me. When I first moved into this apartment after I lost my house, I threw myself into DIY and home projects thinking it was *healing*. But the true healing occurred in the stillness. Once the projects came to a halt, once I stopped buying things, rearranging furniture and painting my walls different colors, I was forced to sit in my discomfort and face all of the feelings I had pushed so far down.
In the stillness, every fear, doubt and insecurity appeared before me. I had to relearn who I was, how to manage my intrusive thoughts, feelings, anxieties and triggers - a lot of triggers. I had to relearn how to trust again - myself and others. I had to learn about gratitude, presence, and appreciating where I am in this very moment while remaining open to everything that is still yet to come.
For a long time, I viewed this discomfort as an "in-between" phase, which only made me feel even more stuck because I was putting too much emphasis on the past versus the future instead of living in the present. I thought that I needed to get out of this apartment in order to be happy, but in reality I think I was right where I needed to be all along.
Two years later, I didn’t think I’d still be in this condo. I thought owning a home would bring me happiness and fulfillment, but I’m learning that happiness and fulfillment come from within, and that I still have some work to do before I can take that next step. I've had a few too-good-to-be-true opportunities arise to purchase a home, but in my heart I knew I wasn't ready. I would just be repeating the same cycle of transforming another space and ignoring my demons when I should be more focused on transforming myself. Plus, I knew those homes were not in alignment with what I truly want for myself, and I didn't want to buy a house just to have one. I want to do it right this time around.
Through my content, I try to teach others how to love where they live. Now I'm trying to follow my own advice. I'm enjoying my space, despite it's flaws. I'm appreciating the way the sunshine spills onto the walls each morning, the disco lights reflecting from room to room, the vines that are now long enough to trail across my entire bedroom wall. I'm getting rid of things I don't need, or that don't bring me joy anymore. I'm learning to be happy here, right where I am. And when I do get the house, the feeling will be so much greater because I've done all of the inner and outer work to appreciate it in its entirety.
One thing that has always remained constant, despite all of the change and chaos in my life, is my commitment to myself and my personal growth. I’m still learning, healing and growing everyday. It’s not easy, but it will always be worth it.
Oh yeah -- and I know that this is a home décor account at the end of the day, so I won't leave you hanging. As I'm rediscovering and reinventing myself, my interior style is also evolving! I'm in my fun house era, and I'm excited to see where it leads me.
XO,
@kyliewhitespace
